Let’s back up for a
second and I’ll tell you how I got here.
For many years, my brother and I have been trying to get our
mother to move out of her home of 30 years in Medford, OR to somewhere closer
to one of us. Medford is an out of the way place, difficult and expensive for
us to go should the need arise. Mom is 89 years, old, slow and frail with no
relatives in Medford and only one friend, a neighbor still living there. The
neighbor looks in on her from time to time, but Mom has no other support
system.
Our best efforts were in vain, though, because of financial
constraints and the fact that mom is typical of her generation. She is irascible,
cantankerous, ornery, contrary, cagey, sly, suspicious, and fiercely
independent. She is also a hoarder.
Then one day, the divine intervened; mom became an heiress.
Mom always said Aunt Genny was rich. Well, I guess she was right, because when
she died she left mom enough to pay off her debts, move from Medford and live
worry free for the rest of her days.
Florida was always the destination for her. She did not want
to live with me in Seattle, too cold and rainy (unlike Oregon). Since, my
brother already owned a home there; the wheels were put in motion. There was only one problem, my brother
travels a great deal for business and our mother was afraid she would find
herself alone there, a legitimate concern.
There was only one solution, I would move to Florida, too.
The timing was right, there was no reason not to, and a number of reasons in
favor. #1-I do not have a meaningful, fulfilling career holding me in the
Northwest. In fact, the job I have would allow me to transfer to Florida with
no problem. #2-my children are all grown and gone away. The two older ones live
in Europe, and the youngest lives with her father. I rarely ever see her. #3-I
sold my townhome and was living in an apartment in Kirkland. Even with my low
wages, with the little that I got from the sale, I would be able to afford to
buy a house in a depressed real estate market like Florida. I could not afford
to live alone in Washington; the cost of living there is so high, I would have
to have a roommate. #4-I was trapped in a toxic relationship with my on
again/off again partner/roommate. I needed to severe those ties completely and
irrevocably. #5-best of all, I would be able to care for my mother in her
golden years, in a way only a daughter could. No need to hire a caregiver. I
would find it a privilege, a joy and an honor to take on that responsibility. I
would care for her with respect and preserve her dignity. I have no
grandchildren; none on the horizon. At last, something to give my life purpose!
Everything was falling into place. I went to Oregon in
January (2012) to help my mom put things in order. We went to the lawyer, the
accountant, the doctor, we got a referral for a real estate agent, made
arrangements to sell her “treasures” at a consignment shop and hired a lady to
help organize and clean. I flew back to Seattle after 10 days feeling good
about what we had accomplished and looking forward to the future. We had a
goal, mom’s 90th birthday in September, family reunion in the land
of milk and honey, everyone would be there to celebrate in the Promised Land.
Next September in Jerusalem!
But it was bittersweet for me. I loved the Northwest. I had
lived there for over 20 years. I knew the area well and had many, many dear
friends. Sure it rains a lot but that accounts for the natural beauty. I looked
out the window as we flew over Mt. Rainer and tears rolled down my cheeks.
I was put in contact with a real estate agent in Florida and
he began to email me potential home listings in the area I wanted, with the
features I wanted and in my price range. I spoke to my employer and they agreed
they had no problem with me moving. I could keep my job. I requested the week
of the 4th of July off so I could move and purchased an airline
ticket, one way for me and Rufio. I applied for pre-approval for a loan for a
mortgage. The clock was ticking.
The days went by, the weeks went by, the months went by. I
continued working, cleaning out closets, purging, moving is good for that
corresponding with Tim and mom, working out, and working on completing my
Competent Communicator goal at Toastmasters. Then mom went to Tim’s in April to
look for houses. I definitely want to be in Orlando, the nearest big city to Tim,
who lives in Daytona, a sleepy, seedy, weedy little beach town with no opportunities
for me. Dear Tim took mom every day, an hour’s drive into Orlando, to look at
houses with the real estate agent. She stayed 3 weeks and came back to Medford without
a deal and promptly fired the lady we hired to help her. Things came to a crashing
halt when she told me my sister was coming for a visit in June.
I called her, broke down in tears, yelling, begging,
pleading, crying, “You don’t understand. I have turned my whole life upside
down for you. I have given notice at my apartment, told my employer, said good
bye to all my friends, bought an airline ticket. I can’t turn back now! And now
you are telling me you don’t know when you will be coming to Florida!”
Florida is a state; I had only set foot in twice in my life.
I do not know a single soul there, except my brother. I never had any
desire to move to Florida. Now imagine me living there, expecting to be with
family, but instead all alone, and not knowing anyone, my brother possibly
working in New York. I was devastated.
“Oh, don’t do it for me,
honey, do it for you.” Of course, I was doing it for her and now she tells me
she won’t be there in September, as we planned! She has too much to do before
she can show the house to a real estate agent. Maybe she can come for the holidays in December.
Mom is 89 years old. She is frail, slow, and forgetful. She will
NEVER be able to get a house ready to show. “Just get on a plane, I begged
her.” “We will hire someone to prepare the house for market.” “Oh Amy”, she
mockingly laughed at me, “you don’t understand.”
I have come too far at this point to turn back now. I will
go ahead and move to get out of a bad relationship and for all the other
reasons I mentioned. Maybe if I am physically there, she will be more inclined
to come. Maybe…
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