Thursday, June 28, 2012 1:20 PM
Hi There,
I’m really glad we got a chance to talk yesterday. I know what you’re going through is really hard but I hope you know that I'll be think about you and if there is anything I can do to help just let me know. I love you and I hope we can talk again soon. Love,
Me
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Friday, June 29,
2012 10:17 PM
Dear Honey,
I'm really glad we got to talk, too. I'm sorry if I dumped on you. I feel as if I am upsetting everyone around me. I wish I were brave and stoic, but I am not. I am distraught and sad beyond belief. Just like I was when I lost my family. But I will pick up the pieces and move on, scarred physically and emotionally. The older I get the more my body looks like a road map. The emotional scars are not as visible, but they are there.
I'm really glad we got to talk, too. I'm sorry if I dumped on you. I feel as if I am upsetting everyone around me. I wish I were brave and stoic, but I am not. I am distraught and sad beyond belief. Just like I was when I lost my family. But I will pick up the pieces and move on, scarred physically and emotionally. The older I get the more my body looks like a road map. The emotional scars are not as visible, but they are there.
I wish things could be different but they are not. I wish you could be here but you cannot. On the upside (yes, there is an upside) I heard from the real estate agent today and my offer on the house in Orlando was accepted. I will see it in person for the first time when I land in Florida on Monday. Now maybe my dream of having grandma with me in Florida will come true. (Did I say dream or nightmare?) Isn't that crazy? It still has to pass inspection; I need to get a loan and a multitude of intermediate steps until it closes. Once that happens and I move in, then I can make some decisions about my healthcare.
As far as my mood goes, the doctors have me sufficiently drugged, Ativan and Ambien at night and Welbutrin during the day. It’s not a great way to live but it is a way to survive.
If you would really like to help me there are a couple of things you can do. I have an ipod, and an itunes, but have not had the time to make playlists and find music. Can you get into my Itunes? Can you share music with me and give me some pointers? (I do not want you to spend any money!) I also want to start a blog. I should probably ask Sean this, but do you know how to start a blog?
Well, today was my last day at work in the State of Washington. I took my computer and phone to the office and they are going to ship them for me.
Tomorrow I pack
the kitchen at the apartment and load my stuff into the storage pods. They
delivered 2 of them today and both are sitting in the parking lot
. Well, I'm
really tired now and have a big day ahead. So, I'd better say goodnight, honey.
I love you and know you are concerned. That means a lot to me.
Love,
Amy
Monday, July 2, 2012 7:48 PM
Hey There,
So unfortunately I don’t think there is any way we can share music. If you're in the same house as someone… maybe like Tim.. you can do this thing called Home Sharing where you link up with their itunes and you can take all their music for free that’s the only way I know how to share. If you wanna do it with Tim or Eddie or whatever.. let me know and I'll explain how to do it. And I think starting a blog would be a great idea for you. I’m sure it’s very therapeutic and would be a good way to let everyone know how you’re doing without having to write a hundred emails. I wouldn’t have any idea how to start one so you’ll have to ask SM. Anyway, I hope your move is going well. I think this is actually a really exciting time for you. I know it’s seems stressful now but I think turning over a new leaf is just what you need. I know you’re going to be very busy so I won’t expect to hear from you right away but when you get a chance let me know how the move went and of course tell Tim and Eddie that I say hello :) I love you. Take care. love
Me
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Saturday, July
28, 2012 11:42 PM
Hi honey,
Thanks for the nice note. I am finding this blog thing much more time consuming than I imagined. First I had to create the blog, then I have to write it, and then I have to upload pictures. It is coming, but it is going to take awhile. Stay tuned, I'll let you know. Oh, btw-did I tell you I got a car? Yeah, it is a Honda CRV, just what I wanted. It’s really pretty.
Thanks for the nice note. I am finding this blog thing much more time consuming than I imagined. First I had to create the blog, then I have to write it, and then I have to upload pictures. It is coming, but it is going to take awhile. Stay tuned, I'll let you know. Oh, btw-did I tell you I got a car? Yeah, it is a Honda CRV, just what I wanted. It’s really pretty.
Just to bring you up to date on my current situation regarding the
move and the whole breast cancer surgery:
Bank of America has pre-approved my loan for my house, but it is
not yet final. Due to the economic practices in the past, the lenders have
swung 180o the other direction. Every day they are requesting lists of
information and documents from me. I have to research and obtain these documents
and then fax them to the loan processor. Every week I am in Kinko's faxing and
paying for those faxes. It has been an extremely stressful situation. I am
almost at my breaking point.
One of the documents they requested was my W2 from 2010. It is in
storage in Renton, WA. It took numerous phone calls, and hours of trying over
several days to come up with it. They want pay stubs, a letter from my
employer, tax returns, proof of insurance, bank statements, canceled rent
checks, addendums, etc, etc. I feel like my privacy is being violated.
The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am getting
close. If everything is satisfactory on Monday morning, and nothing more
is required, I am on target to close the deal on August 10. As soon as I take
possession of the keys, I will call the storage company and tell them to ship.
I estimate I will move in (if all goes according to plan) on the weekend
of August 25 & 26.
I plan to schedule my mastectomy as soon as possible after. I plan
to have my medical team in place and hospital chosen. I expect to go in the
first week of September. That will be 3 1/2 months from the day I was
diagnosed. The doctors in Seattle wanted to amputate my breast before I even
boarded the plane to leave town! They recommended that I not wait as long as
six months; at this rate I have come dangerously close.
I am not worried about the cancer killing me, I wish it would.
Unfortunately, that is not an option for me. My biggest concern is that the
invasive part of my cancer may have spread to other parts of my body because I
have waited. This might require further treatment that I would rather not have.
This deal on this house has to close. And it has to close
on time. I have no Plan B. The stress is almost unbearable and I have to
endure it alone. I would dearly love to have DM here as soon as possible, but I
don't know how long she can put up with me. I will definitely need her to stay
at least 2 weeks post surgery to help me with recovery, caring for wounds,
medications, appointments, driving, bathing and dressing, laundry and cleaning,
shopping and meals, Rufio, etc.
She says she would like to come early and do some fun things.
That's fine with me. I envisioned going to the mall; she wants to go to Disney
World and Sea World. Those are both very expensive and each would take a
full day. I am working, full time, trying to hold down this job so I won't lose
my health insurance. I cannot take time off to entertain her.
She needs to understand the purpose of this trip is to help me
move and recover from breast cancer surgery. She can come back another time and
we can do all the fun stuff. (I hope you will come one day, too!) She needs to
understand the seriousness of the situation. I wish you could be here. It is a
going to be a lot of responsibility for her. But I understand. You cannot.
I hope she will be here by the middle of August, or the third week
of August. Do you think she will come that soon? She needs to tell her
employer.
If she comes the middle of August
and stays until the middle of September, that will be four weeks. Do you think
she will be willing to come for that long? Will she be OK without her friends?
Let me know what you think. I feel
like I am losing my mind and I really need some support. Poor Tim, he is
dealing with his own issues. He doesn't need a crazy sister around and he
doesn't know what to do with me.
This is probably the worst situation I have ever experienced. I just want to get it over and move on with my miserable life. I think I will cut my hair to about 1 inch in length and stop coloring it. I am going to ditch my lacy thongs and get me some granny panties. It is time for me to act my age, my sex life is done. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.
How are you? I hope things are going well for you. Write me a chatty letter, full of fun stories and juicy gossip. Your writing always cheers me up! Say hi to SW, for me! Bye.
This is probably the worst situation I have ever experienced. I just want to get it over and move on with my miserable life. I think I will cut my hair to about 1 inch in length and stop coloring it. I am going to ditch my lacy thongs and get me some granny panties. It is time for me to act my age, my sex life is done. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer.
How are you? I hope things are going well for you. Write me a chatty letter, full of fun stories and juicy gossip. Your writing always cheers me up! Say hi to SW, for me! Bye.
Love,
Amy
Amy
Hi There,
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to write back. Gotta get to bed now but I'll write soon and I’m looking forward to reading your blog. Talk to you soon :)
Love you, Love, Me
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to write back. Gotta get to bed now but I'll write soon and I’m looking forward to reading your blog. Talk to you soon :)
Love you, Love, Me
Wednesday, August
8, 2012 7:05 AM
Honey,
How are you? I have not heard from you. Are you busy? Having fun?
I do not know how to get a hold of you. Do you have the same phone#? What is your country code?
I never see you on Skype. Are you having trouble with your Internet again?
I know there is a time difference, but do you want to Skype this weekend? What time?
Hope everything is ok. I had a bad scare this past weekend. I thought my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and that I had waited too long. I had a really terrible panic attack on Saturday. But I went to an oncologist (a cancer doctor) yesterday and she doesn't seem to think much has changed since Seattle. I go in for a mammogram this morning so we will see.
I can tell you more when we talk. I am finding it hard to keep up the blog.
Well, I have to get up for work now. Hope to hear from you soon
Love,
Amy
How are you? I have not heard from you. Are you busy? Having fun?
I do not know how to get a hold of you. Do you have the same phone#? What is your country code?
I never see you on Skype. Are you having trouble with your Internet again?
I know there is a time difference, but do you want to Skype this weekend? What time?
Hope everything is ok. I had a bad scare this past weekend. I thought my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and that I had waited too long. I had a really terrible panic attack on Saturday. But I went to an oncologist (a cancer doctor) yesterday and she doesn't seem to think much has changed since Seattle. I go in for a mammogram this morning so we will see.
I can tell you more when we talk. I am finding it hard to keep up the blog.
Well, I have to get up for work now. Hope to hear from you soon
Love,
Amy
Hi There,
Did you not see my last message? I just said sorry I haven’t
been in contact this past week. Just been really busy over here but hopefully
we can get a chance to talk soon. I'm on break from work right now but I'll
message you again later :) Stay strong. I love you.
Love,
Me
Aug 9
Yes, honey,
I got your
message over a week ago. I know you are busy working and being with SW
I was hoping to
be able to talk with you in person, but I do not know your phone #.
So, I will just
tell you. The "Perils of Amy" continue. Things have taken a turn for
the worse here. My cancer is growing rapidly and spreading. The house I was
hoping to buy, I probably will not get because of demands the bank is making.
To think, that is
the reason why I postponed my disfiguring surgery, was for that house! And now
I might not get it!
Anyway, I went to
the doctors here in Daytona and had more testing done. They recommended
amputating my right breast immediately, not to wait, regardless of whether I
can find a surgeon to do reconstruction. My worst nightmare has finally come
true. I will wake up from anesthesia to the vision of a huge gash and an empty
space on my chest. I have given up on the blog. It was taking too much time, I
could not keep up.
Anyway, I am
taking medication and am in counseling to help me cope with my emotional
problems. Tim is beside himself and wants to get rid of me. (Now he may be
stuck with me even longer until I can find another place to live, plus he will
have to deal with me when I come home from the hospital, poor guy.) I had a
terrible panic attack last Saturday and D is afraid to tell her boss that she
needs a leave of absence.
I don't blame you
for not wanting to be around. I wouldn't either. But I sure could use some
help, just some emotional support would be good. I don't get breast cancer
every day. I wish you (and SM.) were here.
And to think I
turned my life upside down for my mother! How ironic! She does not even know I
have cancer (she is too old and could not do anything, so why worry her?). And
she is playing games with me that maybe she won't ever move to Florida. I think
she just enjoys torturing me. No, I'm not kidding!
Maybe I should
just go back to Seattle and put up with A and his issues. At least he calls
every day and says he loves me and misses me. (Funny, he didn't seem to want me
when he had me!)
Anyway, it would
be nice to have a phone call or a Skype. I would love to hear all about what
you are doing. And I promise I won't be depressing (yuck, who wants to listen
to that!?!).
Gotta run. Am
missing work this morning, because I have another doc's appointment.
I hope you are
doing well.
Love you,
Amy
Aug 9
Hi There,
I'm on break again from work but I'll call you when I get
home. The problem really is that you are in work when I am able to talk. I have
the same problems trying to talk to Christine and Dad (damn 9-5!). Like.. By
the time you get off work it's 3 am here and I’m never up that late anymore
since I work in the morning. But I'll try to maybe catch you on your
break.
I'm sorry to hear that it's progressing. I know this must be
very difficult but you're being very brave. I love you and I'll call you when I
get home. :)
love
Me
Thursday, August 23, 2012 6:47 AM
Dear Honey,
I am sorry about our conversation yesterday. It was so sweet of you to call and all I did was upset you.
I am going through a traumatic experience right now and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. The best and only thing you or anyone can do is to listen. Let me vent my feelings. It may be hard to hear and it may be irrational at times but it is cathartic to me and part of the grieving process. You can't talk me out of feeling the way I do. When you try it only pisses me off. Being validated is part of healing. I promise I won't always be like this, a screaming, crying manic. Once this is all behind me i will be a new Amy. Pre-cancer Amy is dead and gone. Post- cancer Amy will live on, older but not wiser, scarred physically and emotionally, a victim of my own biology. I will never get over this. I will never be happy about it but it will not color my thoughts every waking moment of the day. The only time I will be reminded is in the morning and at night when I am getting dressed and I look down at my mismatched breasts where my beautiful real ones used to be.
So, please don't worry about me, I will survive and move on. I have no other choice. Please call, Skype, write, come and see me whenever you can. I will try and be in a better mood.
Have fun at the wedding. I wish I could be there to see you and Sean. Have a good time.
Love,
Amy
I am sorry about our conversation yesterday. It was so sweet of you to call and all I did was upset you.
I am going through a traumatic experience right now and there is nothing anyone can say or do to change that. The best and only thing you or anyone can do is to listen. Let me vent my feelings. It may be hard to hear and it may be irrational at times but it is cathartic to me and part of the grieving process. You can't talk me out of feeling the way I do. When you try it only pisses me off. Being validated is part of healing. I promise I won't always be like this, a screaming, crying manic. Once this is all behind me i will be a new Amy. Pre-cancer Amy is dead and gone. Post- cancer Amy will live on, older but not wiser, scarred physically and emotionally, a victim of my own biology. I will never get over this. I will never be happy about it but it will not color my thoughts every waking moment of the day. The only time I will be reminded is in the morning and at night when I am getting dressed and I look down at my mismatched breasts where my beautiful real ones used to be.
So, please don't worry about me, I will survive and move on. I have no other choice. Please call, Skype, write, come and see me whenever you can. I will try and be in a better mood.
Have fun at the wedding. I wish I could be there to see you and Sean. Have a good time.
Love,
Amy
Sept 5
Hi There,
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch since our last conversation. I was really upset after we last talked because I just felt like I was trying really hard to be positive and be there for you and you just shut me down. It's like anything nice I try to say…You just turn it around into something negative. I think that you really have to change your attitude about this for your sake and for ours. Of course you can't change how you feel but you can change what you say and in time that will help with how you feel. It's just that… it’s impossible to help you if you won't help yourself. I understand that sometimes you just need someone to listen and I'll do my best to do that but I need you to stop sayin things like "lop off my breast" and "deformed." Talking that way just makes it seem that much worse. It's not useful to speak like that. And I bet most breast cancer survivors would be offended by the word deformed bc that's not really how they look after. And i was thinking you would really benefit from getting into contact with some women who have gone through this (if you haven't already)…I’m sure there are groups out there. Then you can see that it's not actually the end of the world, it's just a different breast. Deirdre told me your surgery is scheduled for the 10th. It's great to hear you got it all settled. So I'll call you this weekend. I love you. You're gonna get through this.
Love,
I'm sorry I haven't been in touch since our last conversation. I was really upset after we last talked because I just felt like I was trying really hard to be positive and be there for you and you just shut me down. It's like anything nice I try to say…You just turn it around into something negative. I think that you really have to change your attitude about this for your sake and for ours. Of course you can't change how you feel but you can change what you say and in time that will help with how you feel. It's just that… it’s impossible to help you if you won't help yourself. I understand that sometimes you just need someone to listen and I'll do my best to do that but I need you to stop sayin things like "lop off my breast" and "deformed." Talking that way just makes it seem that much worse. It's not useful to speak like that. And I bet most breast cancer survivors would be offended by the word deformed bc that's not really how they look after. And i was thinking you would really benefit from getting into contact with some women who have gone through this (if you haven't already)…I’m sure there are groups out there. Then you can see that it's not actually the end of the world, it's just a different breast. Deirdre told me your surgery is scheduled for the 10th. It's great to hear you got it all settled. So I'll call you this weekend. I love you. You're gonna get through this.
Love,
Me
Dear Honey,
I have no choice.
Love,
Amy
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