Tim and Eddie

The original plan was that mom was going to move to Florida where Tim owned a house and she could be near him in case she needed help. But then she started to back away because Tim had to travel a great deal for work and might not be there when she needed him.

It just so happens that I sold my house in Issaquah and was living in Kirkland with a roommate. All three of my children were grown and far flung across the world. I was no longer in a relationship; it is in doubt if I ever were. There was absolutely nothing holding me in the State of Washington.

After having been laid off twice from my previous jobs, I was working in a call center as a survivor’s job. The pay was low, the challenge was low, it was a demeaning, menial job that required no more than an 8^th grade education. But, they would allow me to transfer to Florida, no problem. And they had a fairly good health insurance policy, which was important to me because of my age.

I had never, ever, in my wildest dreams ever wanted to move to Florida, but my mom already said she would. She wanted to get out of the harsh winters in the Northwest. I had asked her to move to Seattle many times, but she always refused. So, to give her the security she needed, I agreed to pull up my roots of 20 years and leave everything and everything I knew and loved and said I would move to Florida, too. Now, she would have no excuse.

Another plus in favor of me moving to Florida was the real estate market. I could, never, ever afford to buy a piece of property in Washington or even rent without a roommate. The cost of living in Washington is about 3 x that of Florida.

I contacted a real estate agent, applied for pre-approval on a loan, and set a target date. I was on my way to Florida. I bought an airline ticket for July 2^nd, gave notice at my apartment when we would be leaving, and gave notice to my employer as to when I would be moving.

I found a house on the internet, placed a bid on it, and it was accepted. It was supposed to close on August 10^th….

Everything was going according to plan. Tim and Eddie have a beautiful old house, which they have completely renovated in Daytona Beach. They generously offered me his home office so I could continue to work and a bedroom. This way there would be no need to rent or sign a lease. I was so grateful, they were so kind and gracious hosts. They helped me find a phone, a car, learn my way around town, cooked wonderful meals and introduced me to their friends. I was so happy and grateful.

When I first got there, Eddie jokingly said that guests can only stay 2 months, and then he giggled. I offered to pay rent, but they refused. I offered 2 more times, once when Eddie was not there, and Tim refused. And once I wrote him a check, which he refused. I tried my hardest not to get in the way. I tried to give them their privacy and spent most of my time either working in the loft, or sleeping in my room. I did not spread my junk around and picked up after Rufio. I ran the vacuum every week and did the dishes after dinner. I tried to act like the best housemate around and not a guest. I paid for all the food I ate and did my own laundry.

But then two weeks before I left Seattle, I found out I had breast cancer. I told Tim immediately before I arrived. And then my panic attacks started and when I got there I was crying all the time. Tim got really angry with me. He said, “I don’t know how Ali puts up with this, but I won’t!” I guess he thought it was all an act. I never asked him for anything, not money or anything, but I did ask him to help me find a doctor, which he did the following day. I tried really hard to keep myself under control. I cried into my pillow, or in my car, or on the beach during my morning walks, so I would not disturb him.

But Tim had his own issues to deal with, his company had folded and he was diligently looking for a job. He spent all day on his computer filling out 100’s of applications. He made several trips to New York for job interviews.

He asked me repeatedly when the house was going to close. I did not know. Obstacles kept arising and the date kept moving. Finally, I was afraid to tell him, I did not know.

One thing I did know was that my breast cancer was growing and spreading. If I did not get this house, I still had to have my breast removed. I did not know if I should go to some local hospital in Daytona or make the drive to Orlando.

Here is how our correspondence went after that:

Aug 24th

Its confirmed. Surgery is on the 10th. (Amy)

Aug 26

Amy, thanks for the offer of the ride but I have that covered.

I spoke to Beth and Meg yesterday to let them know about your situation.  Considering that these problems may run in the family, it's only right to let them know.  They are both very supportive and ... Yes... They BOTH send all their love...kind of a surprise.(Tim)

Wow, what do you know!?! (Amy)

I will be talking to Mom this afternoon.  In light of how things have been going and the fact that she has been making some plans, she also has a right to know what's going on.  Obviously, I think it would be wrong to put demands on her but ... We will see what she has to say.  This whole situation is far too much to lay on me and it's not right for me to put more on Eddie. 

I am also concerned that if the current house deal does not go through, you may not be in a position to start a fresh mortgage app for a new house if they check recent pays stubs your medical leave may show up.  An apartment in Orlando may be the only way to get you where you want to be.

I hope the closing can happen this time.. It would solve a lot of issues and clear the decks for your treatment ahead (Tim)

I don't know how to respond to this...except to be supportive and take things a day at a time; sometimes an hour at a time; things mysteriously have worked its way through, and as my friend Beng says, we all go through situations; and before u know it, it's over- job hunt's finished; work is resumed or it's time to move ahead; treatment's over;  orchid alley done;  any goings on done for the time being, and so on and so forth;  let us live for the moment and enjoy life as it's ways and means head our way, negative and positive..(Eddie)

I will know for sure by mid-week if the house deal will go through this time. I will talk to Bryce on Monday to get a date and then I will let you know. If it goes through I estimate I could be out of your hair by the 4th. If it is not going to close this time I have told Bryce I am done. I will walk away and get an apartment. Either way you will have your space back, one way or the other.

I'm sorry I cut you out of the loop and did not communicate better. I could blame it on the depression and say it made me feel isolated. Or I could say I was just afraid to tell you bad news. The truth is, it was rude and it was wrong of me.

I could have done things differently and better but sometimes the sadness just overwhelmed me. If you ever want to know anything just ask. I will be honest with you.

But now it is too late and I have imposed on your generosity enough. I am on my own now, a single woman with no partner. But I am an adult and capable of making decisions even without the support of loved ones. I will figure this out. I will work it out one way or the other. Someday this will all be behind us. It is tough but I can do it. I have no other choice. And who knows maybe I will get mom out of Medford close to where I live in Florida. To take care of her in her last days would give purpose to my life; a reason to live. And isn't taking care of mom what started us on this adventure in the first place?

Thank you for your generosity and hospitality. I never expected it to go on this long. I am very grateful to you and Eddie for having put up with me these past two months. You really made me feel welcome. But like you say enough is enough. I am really sorry I stressed you out especially in your current situation. I know. I have been there. Twice.

I will let you know what Bryce says as soon as I hear anything. Thank you again for your kindness.(Amy)

Amy, believe it or not, your sisters are concerned and want to lend you moral support.  Although Mom is naturally concerned, she did not freak out and I think she is expecting your call today... Please call her.  We are so lucky to have her.  Beth realizes that with the unhappiness that has passed it would be hard to do anything that might bring comfort but I think in her own way she cares and regrets the alienation. 

I honestly feel I'm acting more as a father here than a brother.  I may not be very capable in that role.  It may seem I'm being harsh but I'm very concerned that you will be overtaken by self-pity and, frankly, I have better hopes and expectations for you. I really will not stand by and let you become crazy "Aunt Sadie" who lives in the attic.... I want to see you back on your feet , being the feisty, independent woman we all know you to be.

If my own struggle to move beyond drugs and depression can give you any hope, I can share that in spite of the bleakness of the moment, a new life will come.(Tim)

LOL! Crazy Aunt Sadie who lives in the attic!?! Do you really think that could possibly be me? Ever!?! Ha-ha that's funny. If you are serious, then you don't know me very well. I am currently facing 6 of the major stressors in anyone's life, simultaneously. The breakup of a long term relationship, dealing with an intransigent elderly parent, relocating to a new culture and making a major financial purchase. Oh, and facing a life threatening disease and disfiguring surgery. It would INSANE not to experience depression and anxiety under these circumstances!

I should be commended for how I have dealt with it. I have researched possible solutions, reached out to resources, sought and obtained help and done without any moral or emotional support. I am taking care of myself and doing what I need to do to solve the issues I face. These are highly stressful times a difficult decisions I need to make. If I break out in tears occasionally that doesn't make me "Crazy Aunt Sadie", that makes me normal and human.

You know perfectly well I am a survivor. You can bend me but you can't break me. I survived the death of our father; I survived the death of my marriage. I year from now I will look back on this difficult time. I will still be standing on my own two feet, an older, sadder, but no wiser woman, scarred emotionally and physically. But to compare me to "Crazy Aunt Sadie", that is laughable.

As far as Meg and Beth are concerned there is nothing they can say to change the situation. Unless they want to come and help me unload the storage containers when they arrive and help me clean, unpack and put away. I will be physically unable to do any of these things having just come out of two major surgeries. Otherwise, their kind thoughts are appreciated but don't help much.

I am a little surprised that you took it upon yourself to tell mom. I asked for your opinion the other day as to when I should tell her and your reply was, "You'll know when the time is right." I guess that decision has been taken off my shoulders. I was going to tell her after it was all over so she wouldn't worry. You know what a worrier she is. She also might use it as an excuse not to come "Oh, Amy is sick and needs time to recover." And in fact there is nothing she can do to help. She can barely take care of herself. I don't know what I'm going to say to her when I call now...(Amy)

She stills plans to come in November.  She is your mother and is not looking for an explanation... Try listening to what she has to say...(Tim)

Ok, whatever... I still think she'll be pissed off at me for not telling first myself (Amy)

August 31

Sorry not to get back to you sooner on your note...it's been hectic with all I've been doing here. 

Well, I agree it's a good idea to have contingency plans in any case... we never know what may happen with the house deal.

But even if it is delayed beyond 9/5 -- as long as it is still moving forward -- the best is to let it move forward, hopefully to an eventual closing  However, since it's impossible to know if it may fall through, it would be for the best to be ready to move forward with a plan B.

If it becomes clear that the closing will never happen, then a rental will be the only way to get a place for you in Orlando. I wouild suggest online searches beginning with Sanford, Altamonte, Longwood, Apopka and Casselberry. That would put you in the general area you prefer. I did a quick look and fouind that one-BRs start in the 600s to 900s.  Here's the website:

http://www.apartmentguide.com/apartments/Florida/Sanford/.  You really don't need more at this time.

I don't recall how many BR sets you have in storage but it occurred to me if you got a place in Orlando we could buy a BR set that you could later use in your guest BR or for Mom.. Also, I spoke with Angeles this week and she might be able to refer a housekeeper to us for your convalesence -- the lady live in the Orlando area, so it would only help if you have a place there. Of course, I can lend you an air matress, but I think it would be better to get a real bed.  When you get to the point of shipping your furniture to Orlando, I can ask Gabriel to help you unpack boxes.

If it turns out that Orlando just doesn't pan out, perhaps we should forget about it.  Afterall, Mom and I pulled back from that deal in Pelican Bay because you objected so if Orlando is no longer in the picture we can go back to the properties Mom liked in Pelican Bay. I can call Nadine or Julie to start looking for places in DAB again. I am still getting Nadine's mailings. Mom mentioned that maybe the vila or condo idea isn't so bad afterall. 

Please keep me posted on how things are going... I will see you on 9/4 or 9/5. (Tim)         

Sept. 1

Hi, please take a moment to review my email from yesterday as we need to Move forward on these issues.

I have accepted a position in New York and would like to start this job with matters in Florida resolved.  I will be returning to NY on 9/12.

I expect by 9/7 you will no longer be using the loft and Eddies brother will be moving in and has asked us to stay there.  Eddie will be returning to Daytona for the last week or two of September so he and Edwin can continue the projects underway.  Edwin is arriving on 9/7.

You mentioned flying a friend from Seattle.  Whoever this person may be will need lodgings somewhere other than our home as we Are not willing to host strangers and under no circumstances would we consider allowing Ali under our roof.

We are trying to be helpful but we need you to respect the fact that Eddie and I are also dealing with difficulties we are trying to overcome at this time.

I would appreciate an acknowledgement of this message.(Tim)

Yes

I get the message (Amy)

Sept  3

Thought I might have heard from you by now, so how’s everything? (Tim)

I got your message. (Amy)

I know that. What steps, if any, have you taken? (Tim)

I will be out. (Amy)

On Wednesday, August 24, two weeks before my first surgery, Tim and Eddie sat me down at the dining room table and told me I had to be out by the 2^nd of September, whether the house closed or not. At that point, I was hoping that it would close on the 5^th, but the Labor Day holiday prevented that from happening. It actually took another week, and I was having surgery on the 10^th. None of that seemed to matter to them, my health, mental or physical, my financial situation, my stress. Where was I going to find another place to live in two weeks? What would it be? An apartment, a motel, corporate housing? If only I could stay one more week until the 7^th, then I could work that one last week. But that was not to be.

I got on the internet and looked for corporate housing. I contacted my real estate agent and he gave me a lead. I went on Craig’s list and looked for apartments. Deirdre and I looked at one place. It was in an apartment complex but it was reserved for corporate housing. It could have worked. The next place, was kind of dirty, smelly and “scary” according to Deirdre. And there was a tear in the bedspread. Most of the apartments I spoke to required a 6 month lease. That would not work if the house were to close the following week. We gave up that weekend.

The next weekend, Sept. 3 I got up early and looked at extended stay motels. I found one in Lake Mary, close to the house and the hospital. I took it sight unseen. We spent the entire day cleaning Tim’s house from top to bottom. (He and Eddie were in New York). We did all the sheets and towels, kitchen, dishes, floors and made the bathroom sparkle. I even left him a birthday present.

I packed up all my work equipment, computer, monitor, phone, everything and left the loft just the way I found it. We piled everything in the car, including Rufio and drove to the motel and moved in that night.

Unfortunately, it does not have two bedrooms. Deirdre is nocturnal and I am not.

So, I have to tiptoe around in the morning and she has to tiptoe around at night. It has a small efficiency kitchen so we can cook in the room. It is clean, comfortable, modest, plain. Not a lot of fancy amenities, a small workout room and a pool.

But most importantly I had a bed to come back to after both my surgeries. Deirdre has been my little nurse and my angel.

Unfortunately, because of Tim, I lost a week of work. The motel only had WiFi and my work computer requires to be hardwired. I can’t wait to get back to work and

start getting a paycheck again.

I don’t understand Tim and why he kicked me out on the eve of a life threatening, life altering, and disfiguring surgery. Tim, if you ever read this, and I doubt you will, I promise, I will never do that to you. If you came to me and told me you had testicular cancer or prostate cancer and needed a place to stay, I would make room for you and you could stay as long as you need to. I promise.