Shit happens

And this is about the shittiest thing to have happen.

I am sorry if I scared you and upset you last night. I debated about whether to tell you or not. I really did.

You’re right, I am angry. I am scared and angry. I am not scared of dying. Dying would be easy. I am scared of living, and I am scared of surgery and pain. I have had surgery before and it makes me very, very sick. And I know it will be painful.

And I am angry because I feel fine, I look fine. I don’t see why I need this surgery when I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me. It won’t do anything to help me or improve me.

I am angry because I feel like such a loser. And I am a loser through no fault of my own. I always worked hard and tried to do the right thing, for myself, my family and others. And now I am punished like this just because I am a middle aged woman and it is my turn. It is unfair. It sucks, it’s rotten and there is nothing good about it.

I feel like I am the world’s biggest loser. I lost my family, I lost my job, twice, I lost my house, I lost my partner and now I am going to lose the safety net of all my friends, oh, yeah, and btw-I have cancer, so now I have lost my health. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, guess what, they did.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to kill myself. I don’t have the means to do it. I wouldn’t know how and I wouldn’t do that to my kids. But it’s not just about living; it’s about the quality of that life.  And it’s not alright. It’s not! So, don’t try to tell me it is.

I know the news must be scary for you, too. It is scary when a woman hears that another woman has breast cancer. She inevitably thinks, “Could this happen to me, too?” I know because that is what I thought when I heard the news from other women friends. For that, I am sorry.

 Life goes on but life sucks.

I will come to accept it because I have no choice; but I will never get over it.

Just like the death of my father.

And the death of my marriage.

I will never get over it.

Every morning when I wake up and see my scars, I will be reminded.

It is barbaric.

And I am sad, no, I am devastated. Not only do I have to say goodbye to my youth, but I have lost control of my body. Somebody else is telling me I have to do this. This is no choice.

Don’t try to cheer me up. I want to be sad and I want to be mad. I want to cry. I am not happy, I will never be happy about this. It is unfair, and unreal. It must be a huge mistake. I have always been healthy. I feel healthy now. I am not in denial; I am in disbelief.

I am going to see another doctor tomorrow to get another opinion. Maybe when I get to Florida I will seek counseling. But there is nothing they can say to make me feel better.

Just please keep your indomitable spirit. You are a role model to me. Keep your hopes up and be your cheerful self, it is contagious and you are an inspiration to me. I draw strength from your strength. That is why I value you and need you as a friend. You are such a rock, so loyal and true, and honest. That is all you have to do, is be there. You can’t change anything, you don’t have to; all you have to do is help your friend cope. Just be supportive and let me lean on you.

Thanks.

Love,

Amy