A Letter to Dr. Lee

August 17, 2012

Dr. Kenneth Lee, MD

Plastic & Reconstructive Surgery

1400 Orange Ave. MP760

Orlando, FL 32806

Dear Dr. Lee,

Thank you for taking the time to meet with me yesterday morning. Unfortunately we had to meet under these circumstances. I appreciate you listening to me and responding. You really seemed to understand my goals for reconstruction post-mastectomy. You are the first person I’ve interviewed in the cancer system who has given me even a glimmer of hope. I am old and pragmatic enough to know that I will never be the same woman I was before. All I hope for is to be the best I can be. These are my objectives:

1)    Symmetry

2)    A natural look, with a soft natural sloping shape

3)    A soft, natural feel, to me and to anyone else.

4)    Movement, I want to bounce like I always have when I exercise or run. They swing when I dance.

5)    I want soft, natural looking breasts that behave like real ones. They should fall to the sides, when I lie on my back and spread out when I am on my stomach pressing them against the bed.

6)    My breasts are beautiful as they are, but there is one thing I would change, if I could. I would give them have a higher profile. Not a super, ultra high profile, but a mid profile. Right now, they are big enough, but because they have a low profile they look flat under clothes.

You mentioned something in our meeting about “looking good naked.” I already look good naked. At the end of this long, arduous, painful process I want to be able walk across the bedroom nude and still be appreciated. That may be hard for you to understand as a man, that a woman, old enough to be your mother still has her sexuality and is not ready to give it up.

I know, and have to come to grips with the fact that I will never have any sensation again in my right breast, even if Dr. Smith manages to save my nipple. It breaks my heart. It’s not about how my breasts look to other people; it is about how they feel to me. That is why I said life is almost not worth living that way. Cancer does not scare me. It’s not going to kill me and I am not afraid of dying. I am more afraid of living.

I am currently under the care of a very good psychiatrist. We are working on adjusting my medications to control my anxiety and depression without interfering with my Tamoxifen. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I was on too low a dosage of anti-depressant. I called the doctor and told him I was needed to double the dose. Unfortunately I have to be medicated in order to cope with this situation and be able to make decisions. As painful as it may be, next time we meet I promise to be calmer.

I have been devastated by this whole ordeal. I am sad beyond belief. Please continue to give me hope that the post-cancer Amy won’t live the remainder of her life a broken woman. Once all this is behind me, I will be better.

Thank you for understanding,

Amy Myrin